Instant Message-Coachella Edition

Ed. Note-This is a couple weeks old. Took me a while to get my footing this year.

Ryan 3:42 –
i think I just got super depressed.
I feel bloated and gross. Is this what girls feel like?

Annmarie 3:46 pm-
you look great

Ryan 3:48 pm-
thanks

Annmarie 3:48 pm-
babe. xoxoxoxo

Ryan 3:48 pm-
im going back on my diet after i feel better
i just cant while my body is weak
too much. I hate being sick.

Annmarie 3:49 pm
pls don’t do the bean diet.
can you find another
it was really grossing me out

Ryan 3:49 pm
it really works

Annmarie 3:49 pm
it made you smell like an old man
I swear

Ryan 3:49 pm
you smell like an old man

Annmarie 3:49 pm
please
i will buy you nutrisystem for a month if you don’t do it

Ryan 3:49 pm
i dont want to hide me doing the bean diet aorund you

Ryan 3:50 pm
nutrisystem???? what am i one of the Osmonds?

Annmarie 3:50 pm
hahaha
i was kidding
thought you’d laugh

Ryan 3:50 pm
god, NO YOU WERENT YOU’RE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!!!
i love you even though you think im a big fat slob

Annmarie 3:51 pm
i thihnk you smell like an old man. that’s all I will say
its a waste of my burberry cologne i got you

Ryan 3:51 pm
beano. what if i take beano?

Annmarie  3:51 pm
you smelled normal this weekend’
I missed it so much. Coachella was amazing.

Ryan Bailey 3:51 pm
I WAS EATING BEANS ALL WEEKEND

Annmarie 3:51 pm
stoppp

EMAIL EXCHANGE

Annmarie: I burnt the chicken on the grill. Can you stop and get McDonald’s for me on the way home?

Me: I’ll still eat the burnt chicken.

Annmarie: Over my dead body.

Me: I secretly think you burnt the chicken on purpose so you could get McDonald’s.

10 MINUTES WITH NO RESPONSE EMAIL

Me: Fine.  Give me your order. I’l still eat the burnt chicken.

Annmarie: I threw it out.  Swear on my unborn child it was inedible.  Don’t be mad.  I’m so angry.  I burnt myself on it.

Me: Don’t you mean “OUR” unborn child?

Annmarie: Sure. Why not. I honestly will have nightmares about that chicken. Can’t explain it.  Don’t ever want to have BBQ chicken again.  The burnt smell is indescribable.

Me: We WILL be making grilled chicken again.  Mark my words.  This will not be another scallop situation. (Ed. Note-We used to have scallops all the time. As a couple we enjoyed them.  Many great scallop experiences. Then Annmarie swears she had a bad scallop at a restaurant.  We have not had scallops since.  It’s been almost 3 yrs..)

Annmarie: Fine.  I want a grilled chicken sandwich, fries, and a plain hamburger for Brooklyn. (Ed. Note-Brooklyn is our dog.)

Text Message

11:35am Annmarie: Where’s my love?

11:37am Annmarie: No nub?

11:42am Annmarie: Seriously, where’s my love?

11:45am Me: Ha Ha. Love you.

11:45am Annmarie: Nothing funny about it, Ry.

11:46am Me: Are you kidding?

11:46am Annmarie: Do you think I’m kidding?

11:47am Me: Yes?

11:50am Me: No?

11:54am Me: You’re definitely not kidding.

11:56am Annmarie: Good catch, genius.

11:57am Annmarie: Kidding.

11:58am Annmarie: Love you.

11:58am Me: Love you.

List Of Things I Do Wrong In The House Part II

Kitchen:

·         Doesn’t close chip bags. Chips always stale despite chip clips being in      plain site

·         Spills food in the fridge and liquids – leave it there to harden and fester

·         Will not throw out old food “has a tougher stomach than most”

·         Old food not in containers so the mold grows in my fridge giving me the lovely task of frequent sanitation on the bins and such

·         Makes really smelly foods – onions and brussel sprouts and doesn’t ventilate the area, so that seeps into the bedrooms.

·         Never cleans the top of the stove after use

·         Never cleans the floor after cooking –

·         Leaves groceries out for me to put away

·         Leaves take out cartons, Tupperware practically empty in the fridge

·         Leaves tupperware in sink with dried food on the side of it

·         Also leaves said Tupperware in the car for days and days so when I get it, there is mold in the nooks – or worse. (Editors note: I believe i created human life from UNKNOWINGLY leaving a dish in the car.  I do this for science)

·         Leaves dirty dishes in the sink – but doesn’t soak

·         Helps me by clearing the dishes from the “coffee table” and leaves them in the sink for me. I still have to load the dishwasher and wash the dried food off of the plates

·         Doesn’t take out the garbage unless I “hint” to him by removing the overflowing bag, tying it, then leaving by the back door.

Email Exchange

Annmarie: NEVER BUY CHEAP TOILET PAPER AGAIN! (Ed. Note-this was the subject line).  It’s like using a notepad on your ass! Charmin only!  Ok?!

Me:That was the only toilet paper at the ralphs.  It was still 5 bucks. Only brand they had left.

Annmarie:Ok I understand, but babe, it hurts!

Me:This will be great for the website!!!

Annmarie:You wouldn’t.  And don’t!  I know where you live! PS-Forget it. I’ll buy the toilet paper from now on. You can’t handle it.

Email Exchange

Me: I would have a car payment each month when I could be putting that money away for a house or a kid.

Wife’s response: I would never let our child in your filthy car. Don’t test me on this. When I’m 8 months pregnant, you will lose this argument. You will lose this argument everytime. Lose now or then. You’re choice.

– – –

Me:Could you make a list of everything I do wrong around the house?

Wife’s reponse: Sure! I need to walk in the house in every room so it all hits me and I will have no problem with the list!