Instant Message-Coachella Edition

Ed. Note-This is a couple weeks old. Took me a while to get my footing this year.

Ryan 3:42 –
i think I just got super depressed.
I feel bloated and gross. Is this what girls feel like?

Annmarie 3:46 pm-
you look great

Ryan 3:48 pm-

Annmarie 3:48 pm-
babe. xoxoxoxo

Ryan 3:48 pm-
im going back on my diet after i feel better
i just cant while my body is weak
too much. I hate being sick.

Annmarie 3:49 pm
pls don’t do the bean diet.
can you find another
it was really grossing me out

Ryan 3:49 pm
it really works

Annmarie 3:49 pm
it made you smell like an old man
I swear

Ryan 3:49 pm
you smell like an old man

Annmarie 3:49 pm
i will buy you nutrisystem for a month if you don’t do it

Ryan 3:49 pm
i dont want to hide me doing the bean diet aorund you

Ryan 3:50 pm
nutrisystem???? what am i one of the Osmonds?

Annmarie 3:50 pm
i was kidding
thought you’d laugh

Ryan 3:50 pm
i love you even though you think im a big fat slob

Annmarie 3:51 pm
i thihnk you smell like an old man. that’s all I will say
its a waste of my burberry cologne i got you

Ryan 3:51 pm
beano. what if i take beano?

Annmarie  3:51 pm
you smelled normal this weekend’
I missed it so much. Coachella was amazing.

Ryan Bailey 3:51 pm

Annmarie 3:51 pm

Text Message

11:35am Annmarie: Where’s my love?

11:37am Annmarie: No nub?

11:42am Annmarie: Seriously, where’s my love?

11:45am Me: Ha Ha. Love you.

11:45am Annmarie: Nothing funny about it, Ry.

11:46am Me: Are you kidding?

11:46am Annmarie: Do you think I’m kidding?

11:47am Me: Yes?

11:50am Me: No?

11:54am Me: You’re definitely not kidding.

11:56am Annmarie: Good catch, genius.

11:57am Annmarie: Kidding.

11:58am Annmarie: Love you.

11:58am Me: Love you.

List Of Things I Do Wrong In The House Part II


·         Doesn’t close chip bags. Chips always stale despite chip clips being in      plain site

·         Spills food in the fridge and liquids – leave it there to harden and fester

·         Will not throw out old food “has a tougher stomach than most”

·         Old food not in containers so the mold grows in my fridge giving me the lovely task of frequent sanitation on the bins and such

·         Makes really smelly foods – onions and brussel sprouts and doesn’t ventilate the area, so that seeps into the bedrooms.

·         Never cleans the top of the stove after use

·         Never cleans the floor after cooking –

·         Leaves groceries out for me to put away

·         Leaves take out cartons, Tupperware practically empty in the fridge

·         Leaves tupperware in sink with dried food on the side of it

·         Also leaves said Tupperware in the car for days and days so when I get it, there is mold in the nooks – or worse. (Editors note: I believe i created human life from UNKNOWINGLY leaving a dish in the car.  I do this for science)

·         Leaves dirty dishes in the sink – but doesn’t soak

·         Helps me by clearing the dishes from the “coffee table” and leaves them in the sink for me. I still have to load the dishwasher and wash the dried food off of the plates

·         Doesn’t take out the garbage unless I “hint” to him by removing the overflowing bag, tying it, then leaving by the back door.

List Of Things I Do Wrong In The House Part 1

(Ed.Note-I asked my wife to make a list of everything I did wrong in the house.  I thought it would be good fodder for my stand up.  My wife complied with typing up a 3 page document. She went room to room and made this list.  This is a portion of that document.)

Dining Room

  • Ryan doesn’t ever use the dining room. Wait, yes, to tie his shoes in the morning before leaving for work.

The Office:

  • Truthfully I took over the office. He doesn’t do anything wrong here. He’s actually quite nice in terms of letting it mostly be my room.


  • Since 2010 has done laundry himself about 4 times
  • Never puts wet clothes in the washing machine with the lid up so I know; instead puts them in the dirty laundry closet – a closed space with nice clothes and towels. Mildew anyone?
  • Never buys laundry detergent – or cleaning products. Complains how much they cost and do I “need” all of them?


Instant Message

Me: We are shooting in our garage!

Annmarie:Yes. Throw everything out!

Me: No, it’s supposed to look crappy.

Annmarie: Ugh! Can’t you help me just once.

Me: #supportme

Annmarie: #supportmecuzisupportyou


Annmarie: #imthrowingthingsout #youcantstopme


Annmarie: #ididntcometoworktotalktoyouallday