Instant Message-Coachella Edition

Ed. Note-This is a couple weeks old. Took me a while to get my footing this year.

Ryan 3:42 –
i think I just got super depressed.
I feel bloated and gross. Is this what girls feel like?

Annmarie 3:46 pm-
you look great

Ryan 3:48 pm-
thanks

Annmarie 3:48 pm-
babe. xoxoxoxo

Ryan 3:48 pm-
im going back on my diet after i feel better
i just cant while my body is weak
too much. I hate being sick.

Annmarie 3:49 pm
pls don’t do the bean diet.
can you find another
it was really grossing me out

Ryan 3:49 pm
it really works

Annmarie 3:49 pm
it made you smell like an old man
I swear

Ryan 3:49 pm
you smell like an old man

Annmarie 3:49 pm
please
i will buy you nutrisystem for a month if you don’t do it

Ryan 3:49 pm
i dont want to hide me doing the bean diet aorund you

Ryan 3:50 pm
nutrisystem???? what am i one of the Osmonds?

Annmarie 3:50 pm
hahaha
i was kidding
thought you’d laugh

Ryan 3:50 pm
god, NO YOU WERENT YOU’RE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!!!
i love you even though you think im a big fat slob

Annmarie 3:51 pm
i thihnk you smell like an old man. that’s all I will say
its a waste of my burberry cologne i got you

Ryan 3:51 pm
beano. what if i take beano?

Annmarie  3:51 pm
you smelled normal this weekend’
I missed it so much. Coachella was amazing.

Ryan Bailey 3:51 pm
I WAS EATING BEANS ALL WEEKEND

Annmarie 3:51 pm
stoppp

EMAIL EXCHANGE

Annmarie: I burnt the chicken on the grill. Can you stop and get McDonald’s for me on the way home?

Me: I’ll still eat the burnt chicken.

Annmarie: Over my dead body.

Me: I secretly think you burnt the chicken on purpose so you could get McDonald’s.

10 MINUTES WITH NO RESPONSE EMAIL

Me: Fine.  Give me your order. I’l still eat the burnt chicken.

Annmarie: I threw it out.  Swear on my unborn child it was inedible.  Don’t be mad.  I’m so angry.  I burnt myself on it.

Me: Don’t you mean “OUR” unborn child?

Annmarie: Sure. Why not. I honestly will have nightmares about that chicken. Can’t explain it.  Don’t ever want to have BBQ chicken again.  The burnt smell is indescribable.

Me: We WILL be making grilled chicken again.  Mark my words.  This will not be another scallop situation. (Ed. Note-We used to have scallops all the time. As a couple we enjoyed them.  Many great scallop experiences. Then Annmarie swears she had a bad scallop at a restaurant.  We have not had scallops since.  It’s been almost 3 yrs..)

Annmarie: Fine.  I want a grilled chicken sandwich, fries, and a plain hamburger for Brooklyn. (Ed. Note-Brooklyn is our dog.)

Email Exchange

Annmarie: NEVER BUY CHEAP TOILET PAPER AGAIN! (Ed. Note-this was the subject line).  It’s like using a notepad on your ass! Charmin only!  Ok?!

Me:That was the only toilet paper at the ralphs.  It was still 5 bucks. Only brand they had left.

Annmarie:Ok I understand, but babe, it hurts!

Me:This will be great for the website!!!

Annmarie:You wouldn’t.  And don’t!  I know where you live! PS-Forget it. I’ll buy the toilet paper from now on. You can’t handle it.

Instant Message

Me: We are shooting in our garage!

Annmarie:Yes. Throw everything out!

Me: No, it’s supposed to look crappy.

Annmarie: Ugh! Can’t you help me just once.

Me: #supportme

Annmarie: #supportmecuzisupportyou

Me:#dontmakemethrowyouout

Annmarie: #imthrowingthingsout #youcantstopme

Me:#pleasedont

Annmarie: #ididntcometoworktotalktoyouallday

Email Exchange

Me: I would have a car payment each month when I could be putting that money away for a house or a kid.

Wife’s response: I would never let our child in your filthy car. Don’t test me on this. When I’m 8 months pregnant, you will lose this argument. You will lose this argument everytime. Lose now or then. You’re choice.

– – –

Me:Could you make a list of everything I do wrong around the house?

Wife’s reponse: Sure! I need to walk in the house in every room so it all hits me and I will have no problem with the list!